My favorite song right now

So much is going on in our lives and in our world.

One of my favorite groups is Casting Crowns, a bunch of youth pastors in some churches in Georgia.  Amazing people who show they are human and they struggle just like all of us.

Just Be Held is my current go to song right now.

TMI ALERT:  My depression is usually at it's worst when it's that time of the month, or getting close to it.

I have some friends who are pretty awesome. The thing is, with the person that I am and everything going on in their lives, I really don't feel like I should be complaining about anything going on in my life or how I am feeling.  I do listen to them though, they need someone to vent to, and rather them just blowing up at someone I would rather do them just get it out with me with them or on the phone.  It's just my nature.  I want them to thrive and to be on their game.  Does that mean that I suffer? I guess in a way it does.  I don't like it, I am working on fixing it but there's that self-confidence issue.  I feel that, if given the chance, letting my feelings out to my friends there is the possibility that they wouldn't want to be my friend anymore.  I feel that way because it has happened.  I don't make friends easily because I'm what you would consider an "odd duck".

Any who!  Here is my go to song!

Just Be Held by Casting Crowns

Never Give Up

Well, it's almost midnight here. We have had a BUNCH of rain for the last few weeks. Yesterday/last night was a big one. Lots of people have lost their homes and sadly lost their lives with these floods. And not because of carelessness. The waters rose up that fast.

It's been a rough week this past week. Trying to meet everyone's expectations, taking care of the kids and animals, trying to make sure it all happens. All I have been wanting to do is sleep and veg out. I've been crying a lot more too.

2 years ago tomorrow was a pretty rough day for me. I was already bubbling under the surface. I became frustrated with the kids, and the husband. I came back into the house for something and I lingered. I was trying to figure out how I would end my life. I am SO not proud of that moment. But there was enough time that God appealed to my logical side.  I am SUPER emotional. God showed me something I am not a fan of, numbers. (It's weird when I tell people this, I have become more open about it this year. It needs to be a dialogue, someone might see they aren't alone.)  Any way, I don't math (a friend says that).  HE showed me the cost of everything and once I sorta snapped out of it the emotional things came through. The anger and hurt I was going to cause everyone. My babies, my sweet absolutely brilliant, wonderful babies, I was going to torture them for the rest of their lives because mommy was stubborn and thought this was better. I went out to the truck and put on an outward appearance and met some people for lunch with the family. 

We came home and I was still in a funk. I finally let it all out to my husband and told him, never seen him so scared in our entire time together. We called old pastor, friends, my sister-in-law, his dad, and our new pastor. I talked to him for 15 minutes and he said that I was coming first thing Tuesday morning to talk to him and the area pastor, who is also a Licensed Professional Counselor. 

I am obviously still here, I do have my lows but they are still few and far between. I am exercising more, stress is a huge trigger but we know the signs to redirect the energy. I still have times to that I talk to the area pastor when it gets too overwhelming for me.

My babies, my husband, my family, a few old friends and some wonderful new friends have been there for me. The struggle is real. I will Always Keep Fighting. But please know that it can get better. Time is what you make it, depression isn't something that you can't just snap out of completely.  That's what gets me with people who don't experience it first hand or have someone they truly love go through it. And sometimes  they still don't wake up to the situation. I am no longer on medication, I didn't like who I was when I was on it. Do some people need it? Heck yeah! Everyone is different. I know people who are on anti-depressants who are doing great. Others it's not working.   

Just promise me you won't give up. Seriously, if you want to talk, message me on Twitter. If you have made a comment to any past posts hang in there. I will check the laptop tomorrow. I do this on my phone most of the time now, the app doesn't have a way to check comments that I have found.

Be blessed. You are not alone. Always Keep Fighting. When you keep up the fight it means you have a hold on depression, it doesn't have a hold of you.